Little part of me, Uncategorized

Broken one Healed

It was rainy Wednesday evening and all I could think about was you and seeing you. Our talk was the only thing I could think about as it got closer with every hour that was passing, it was scary not sure what to expect.

As I make my way to the coffee shop seeing you sitting there waiting for me with a big bright smile and a glass of cold beer. I could see you were more nervous than me but trying to hide it behind that cute smile of yours. As I took my seat the first words to escape from your mouth were “I’m sorry babe” that melted my heart, we both had so much to say sorry for little did I know by the end of the evening you hit me with one big secret that requires a millions sorries.

As always you force the food down my throat, asking me over and over if I’m good? My answer was accompanied with a weak smile and a “I’m okay babe” .

You said you had two things to tell me a confession and a question. The first question was what are my expectation of our relationship? It got me off guard and got me  thinking, my answer was short “I don’t expect a lot from you” my response really hurt you as you set with disbelief on your face but that’s how I felt. Your expectations of our relationship really surprised me, how you want to build on our love.

I swear I was not ready for your confession, something I never expected from you. As the words slid out of your mouth “I cheated on you in January because I was horny” in that moment it felt like someone took a knife and put it in my heart and turned it around going deeper with each turn not sure what to feel, you kept asking me how do I feel I didn’t reponse. I was sitting there thinking that I’m not enough for you and maybe if I had sex with you this would’ve never happened to me, knowing that you gave away a piece of you to someone who wasn’t me with all of this going on in my mind my response to you was I’m hurt that’s it you hurt me in a way that no one else has done before.

The weird part is I have asked you time and time again are you good with the fact that we are not having sex and your answer was yes just for you to go and fuck someone else. If you had only ask me for sex ?

I couldn’t stop crying for days, unable to control my emotions. Thought to myself that I gave my heart to a fool who couldn’t control being horny, the fact that you not only lied to me but you also lied to the person you had sex with.

I look at you differently now.

I did the unbelievable thing by forgiving you and allowing us to start afresh because I believe in us and our love.

As your cold lips met my warm lips I knew I didn’t make a mistake by trying again.

The promise we made to each other that night is what I’m holding on to and the love we have for each other.

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Little part of me, Uncategorized

Our Story Part 2

Took  me a year to be able to write about you. Hopefully you will enjoy part 2 in the series of “Our story”. My crazy, wild experience with my first crush in the big city.

Meeting you for the first time was one of those nervous moments but you made it so easy with that warmth smile of yours and those breathtaking chocolate brown eyes of yours made me feel at peace.

For some crazy reason I had no words to say, my mouth was more dry than the Fish River in that moment I realise I didn’t need to say anything to break the silence.
Smile.. you cooked for me while trying to know me better, loved the way you worked around my shyness to get me to be comfortable with you.

That was the day I knew I liked you more than I should. Your chest soon became my favourite place and your arms were my new home, where I felt safe. Your lips were my oxygen.

Talking to you was the best part of my day, something I was looking forward to and you never disappointed me with your words.

I remember that day I wasn’t feeling myself and I texted you to come and give me a hug and not long there you were standing with your arms open. Lol I remember you asking me “what’s wrong ? Did my dog die or something” . Your mad face was just the one. Crazy but my punishment for the hug was me cooking for you which I enjoyed doing.

The kiss
Your lips melted into mine for that moment in time I felt like I was on cloud 9. You took your time with every kiss as our tongues met in our mouths dancing as my tongue twisted around yours.
That kiss rise the roof, as you worked my mouth like it was never worked before.

You were mine but I was not yours.

To be continued….

Little part of me, Uncategorized

Who Am I

All these thoughts are running through my mind,  so many questions, I’m scared to be myself or I’m scared of what people will say when I’m myself however I’m not sure when I’m myself.

Guess I have been fooling myself all this time, knowing that there is a part of me that no body knows about including myself.

The process is so hard, people make it seems so easy using the words find yourself, know yourself, it’s so freaking crazy.

There is this part of me that I have been keeping to myself,  because I have always believed that I don’t want to add my problems to people even if it’s my own family. I would rather hear their problems and try to help them.

I wish I knew what it means to be true to yourself or maybe I just scared to be myself around people.  The world is not ready to meet the person I’m  meant to be. For now I’m just going to be Joe.

Fun, Little part of me, Uncategorized

My Naked Weekend

This was one of those unplanned moments that just fell into place perfect.

Babe’s eagerness to please me was simply beautiful, as we got some ingredients for dinner I could see how nervously babe was happy.

Back home the cooking started with some new rules for the night from Babe ” tonight we are watching movies in a different way and you are not allowed to fight me on this one” babe said,  this got me really nervous to find out what rules are these and babe continues with the rules for the night “We will watch the movies naked completely naked no clothes on” for a moment there I couldn’t believe what babe just said turning to get my head around it because I was never naked in front of another person but I agreed to the rules of the buildings night which lit babe’s face up like a Christmas tree.

Music, the sound of me chopping up the onions, wine being poured in the glass and our lips making the first connection of the night felt like with every kiss I wanted more.

My favourite place in world is babe’s arms, I  refer to it as my Paris, my happy place.

As we sit down on opposite side to watch the first movie while have dinner. Babe ” you are way too far from me” just those words made me realise I was with the right person, in the right moment.

We both still fully dress, till babe jumps up in front of me with a naughty smile started to remove his clothes starting with the t-shirt and ending with the hot pants. I swear I couldn’t focus on the movie anymore with this beautiful wonder of nature standing completely up  naked sharing with me the most intimate part and in the process breaking down the walls I have built one brick at a time.

Coming to sit next to me saying no pressure only do it if you feel comfortable. Thinking myself should I do this or no? And I already knew the answer to the question a clean yes. As I start to undressed myself nervously…smiling but deep down knowing that this is what I want.

Couldn’t believe I was sitting naked, butt naked and loving every moment of it with my person. My eyes were more on babe’s body than the movie. As I travelled babe’s body with my eyes, visiting every amazing part of it not wanting to miss out on a single part till I made my final stop my favourite part of the body, lips. I softly pressed my lips on babe’s lips as I was awaiting permission to enter babe’s mouth, our tongues meet and it was fireworks in our mouths. That kiss felt like a movie strong, powerful yet passionately soft with an element of laughter.

Sitting completely naked in each others hands, being at our most vulnerable, ready to seeing each other scars and loving how imperfect we are.

Weirdly enough that was one of my best sex free experience.

Getting lost in each others body but not filled with lust for it.

That night our bodies united in to one without sex being involved.

Love is a beautiful ride with ups and downs accompanied by amazing twist and turns. Make sure your riding mate is ready and prepared for the journey.

PS love every part of your amazing body. It’s the perfect gift for my eyes.

Little part of me, Uncategorized

Piece of your lips

Not sure where to start with this now,  I have been playing this scene over and over in my mind when we meet.
Awkwardly I was not sure what to say to you because I was so freaking nervous for some reason but looking into your eyes saw my nerves melting away, the sound of your voice made me realize that it was not a dream and your smile made me realize in that moment that I was a lucky guy for having you in my life.

I guess I’m still struggling to open up to you not because I’m scared of getting hurt but the mere fact that I’m not use to shared my deepest thoughts and feelings just with anyone.

Bae  hearing you say the words “you the only one who gets a part of me” made me feel like I’m ready to shared that part with you.

Sitting silence with you today was heaven on earth to my soul.

Being lost in your arm is my new favourite place, strong as the waves of the ocean, as warm as the sun’s rays on my skin, most importantly I felt safe and weird it felt right, so right. It’s official you are my superhuman.

Every part of my body was crying out for you, a burning fire took over my body and only you can put out this fire you have started.

Not sure if it’s butterflies or fireworks but I’m sure something amazingly happened when our lips met for the first. It was soft, warm and sweet. Your lips were my kapana and mine were your spice. Did not want to don’t let go your lips, with every kiss you took a  brick out of the wall I have built and I was so willing to let you break down my wall brick by brick.

Yes! You are special more than special you are my person.

Little part of me, Uncategorized

What is a relationship

What is a relationship

This question has cross my mind as I’m reflecting on my relationship with people, including family and friends.

Google defines a relationship as a “the way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected”.

Relationships are built over a period of time key ingredients for a long lasting strong one is..
-Trust
-honesty
-communication
-forgiveness

Trust being one of the most important factor in building a relationship, because you will be sharing personal information with another person. To be honest I have never put my trust in anyone because people can disappointe you and I have learned this the hard way. One thing is clear tust can’t be rushed, it takes time.

Honesty and trust goes hand in hand, you can have one without the other.  It turns perfect strangers into milk and coffee,  the balance is crucial and needs to be maintained.
I have always been too honest with people putting my heart on the ground,  just for it to be burnt by the sun, thinking people will be the shade for my heart. I guess kindness burns but that should not stop us from believing that there is good in the world and never to punish another person for the mistake of someone else.

Without communication there is no relationship, there is no way in hell you can claim to have a relationship with a person that you hardly talk to.
Not sure if there is a thing called over communicating with someone but I think I do that alot, don’t get me wrong I don’t get annoyed but sometimes I over share especially if I like you. I just feel like if  I don’t talk to a person I like they may forget about me but I always tell you that I need a lot of attention *laugh* I’m that guy of guy. I have learned communicating is a two way thing, you can’t be the only watering the tree of friendship,  just as you came together to plant the seeds. Nothing hurts more than losing a friend, just cause you were the only one trying to keep it alive.

Forgiveness, understanding, patience and compromising are the ideal elements of any healthy, long lasting relationship. Forgiveness is not a easy thing to do in any form of a relationship but when it’s from the heart, it builts the relationship. There are things that are simplying unforgivable also which can end a beautiful relationship that’s why understanding and patience goes a long way.

Never fight for a relationship if you are the only fighting for its wellbeing,  it just stole your happiness.  It’s best to move on because sadly some relationships come with an expiry date.

Almost take the beautiful moments with you. That’s what I do, it serves you no good carrying around hater in your heart because all it does is kill you slowly.

Thank the person for being part of your story and for the role they played.

Smile… Thank you for being part of my journey.

Little part of me, Uncategorized

My First Love Part 1

It’s been 5 years now but it feels like yesterday when you asked me to be special person. You were a breath of fresh for me, just what I needed and wanted.

You come as a surprise and I’m not a fan of surprises but you made me live my romantic movie in real life, you showed me what real true love is all about.

That night I called you, I knew deep down, our connection was magical, talking to you comes easy and mind you I was not a talker but you brought that part of me out.

                            Smile..
I’m smiling remembering our first kiss, I was nervous and shy but as you placed your hands on my cheek, I could feel the warmth of your hands, I could feel your sweet breath against my face, you teasing me by placing your fingers on my lips playfully before bringing your lips against mine.

His warm soft like silk lips, I could taste the sweetness of his lips. Our kiss ends several moment later, leaving me gasping for air and wanting more.

My eyes move down to glance at his lips again and in a spilt second  we were connected again for the second kiss, I could feel his tongue gently press against my lips , silently asking for permission to enter my mouth. I parted my lips slightly felt my heart beat faster. His tongue exploring my mouth before finding my tongue. A small moan leaves my mouth. Fireworks in my mouth and butterflies in my stomach, I found my weakness.

Was I dreaming, this feeling is way better than what I see in movies. I found my person.

Your random weird texts would always light up my face, you had a way with words just like me.

Our passionate weekend still the best weekend of my life. The playful moments in bed, the long talks about our future and just laying next to you being in your arms was my favourite place.

The way you would do things to make me happy, I remember this one time you called from a shop just to ask what chocolate I wanted *sweet moments* like that made me realise that this was more, way more.

Thinking of the night I said I love you.. I was nervous, rehearsed it over and over in my head hoping you were feeling the same way. I was sitting next to you, remembering you asked “what is wrong with me” my mouth was dry for some reason couldn’t get a word out but then the words just slipped out “I love you ” the way his face lighted up was so feaking amazing and him saying it back let my heart skip a beat.

I have some many reasons to smile looking back on our story. You will forever be my true love.

You will always have a place in my heart.

You can look forward part 2 where I will be sharing how we ended things between us.

Little part of me, Uncategorized

Protective of My Heart

So have built this wall around my heart, just like the great wall of China to prevent unwanted people. Since my last relationship some donkey years ago I have not given my heart, body and soul to anyone the way I did with my last partner and this is not cause I’m not over him.

So my friends think I’m single cause of my silly dating requirements which I believe are not that silly at all.

Let me share with you what my requirements are
1. Clean beautiful feet, toes and nails shortly cut.
2. None Smoker,  smoking is a big turn off.
3. Honest, caring and truthful.
4. Kissable lips ( must have a shape ) not sure if this makes sense.
5. Good looking (which is everyone’s requirement).

That’s not a lot of requirements for the person who will take up a place in my heart and life. I believe in true authentic love, I have never believe in one night stands or having meanless sex with a complete stranger I met, making love is a very passionate moment for me because I’m sharing my body, soul and a part of me that I just don’t give to anyone.

So with this said I have been talking to people and ignoring others *laugh * to prove to my friends I’m ready….

The S is for serious, NS not sure and N is no.

Weirdly most of the people I have been talking to are kind of not single and I don’t want to break people up.

First one been “K” now K is in a crazy love relationship thing, not sure if it’s healthy but it works for them I guess. I liked K before I found out K was not available but we made out once thanks to wine and weed, my world those lips were magic on mine and it was just the two of us in the room I was lost in space. He is easy to talk to, makes me laugh. Just think we would make a great couple but that’s not going to happen.

Almost checks everything on my requirement list. K is N (no).

Secondly G
G has been the one since day one, we had this instant connection when we met. I was super shy but he just knew how to make me feel at easy. I almost open my heart for him cause he seemed genuine and real but I guess it was just a game for him. Playing with my feelings, leaving me confused and unsure.

We shared so much, first person I allowed to get real close to me, just to get mix signal from him.

We still talk now and then, meets all my requirements but just not the right one for me. My Mr. Wrong G (NO)

Thirdly N
I’m not sure what is happening with this one but at least N is single, just too damage from the last relationship.  Sweet person which requires a lot of work, not really sure if I’m up for that. We chat now, then, we met a week back and he cooked me. I call him the funny guy, made me feel comfortable and at easy.

But not meeting most of my requirements sadly. NS (not sure)

Fourthly S
I have no idea what is happening here. Met a while back at a event was kind of feeling him but was not sure till I man up and ask for the number chatted but the connection is weak off like MTC’s connection sometimes. Don’t feel like forcing the situation but his lips and eyes are like a mirror great to get lost into, short just like me, confident and don’t give a shit about what people think. Like that,  still have to see the feet and toes but just don’t see us mixing.

Doesn’t check off most of my requirements and definitely a No (N)

Lastly I
New on the scene but refreshing good for my mind. Crazy how we met, it was at an event of a friend, didn’t like him at first sight but later on the wine did it’s thing I guess. The next day I got the number from a friend and also dropped a friend request on Facebook.
One night I was awake on instagram it was around 4:00 in the morning, he liked one of my pictures and I slipped into his DM. Short story we exchanged numbers and started chatting like crazy.  The sweetest moment was when he woke me up with a text cause my alarm didn’t go off that morning… smile but I’m confused about him. We met for the second time this weekend, he gave me this big ass hug, he makes me smile. He has this innocent face, cute ass smile and he wears glasses what more can I say about this book lover. Still have to see his feet and toes.
Not sure about him, don’t want to get into something just not yet. Taking my time on this one.

To my friends don’t say I’m not trying. All I want is someone who will promise to take care of my heart cause I have been single for a while now.

I’m die hard romantic, I believe in love, in the promise of giving myself to the one I love not like but LOVE.

I’m opening my heart up for disappointment and hurt

Little part of me, Uncategorized

Thinking about you Thinking about you

Thinking about the one person I should not being thinking of but when  the memories are so beautiful I can’t help thinking of you.

While I was busy writing this a text from you popped up on my phone screen, telling myself this is crazy Joe.

This very person has the power to change my mood in a minute, the kind of power I don’t want anyone to have over me. Everyday I tell myself no, no I can’t allow you back in mt life because it took me a while to get you out of my heart, mind and thoughts.

So weird I’m what you need and you are what I need, we are like music together. At the same time my days are cold without you like a winter morning and I can’t keep running back to you, maybe we best at being friends.

You know the effect you have on me, like a piece of cake sweet but the long term effects being bad for me.

Guess I’m destined to always write about you and my ever so confusing feelings for you.

Little part of me, Uncategorized

The Wrong One Who felt So Right

Stupidly I’m waiting on you to feel differently about me, one year later and I’m still hoping maybe one day you will wake up feeling the same about me.

I should know better, not to hold on to feelings that are hurting me more than  making me happy because that is what not  love is supposed to be like.

Only your texts can make me feel butterflies, leaving me breathing and make me look crazy to my friends. I really thought I put my feelings to bed that I felt for you.

Breaks my heart seeing you with someone else when all I want is your company, I have made peace with only having you as a friend.

Yes!! The letter I wrote last year to you left me in tears, broken in a way and you are not blame I tell myself, it was a game for you and you played with my heart and  emotion knowing that you are starting a fire in my heart, one I wish I could kill by turning all warmth in my heart to ice for you.

You shouldn’t have allowed me to get close to you in that way from the begin, you used my innocence to full your  loneliness by lying to me, don’t get me wrong I don’t hate you just the way you make me feel.

All I wanted was to be loved by you the way I had loved you. I was not asking for your atm card pin but for the keys to your heart, clearly you were not ready for all the love I was willing to give you.

Had your phone’s password but the only password I required was the one to your heart, mind and soul.

Sometimes find myself wishing that can make you feel the what I felt about you once.

I should stop allowing people to make my heart their play ground.

I hope you are happy with what you settled for because you never find another one like me.

My love will always be greater.